Success and Failure

I've tried to put failing forward as a key component of my life. It doesn't mean there's no sting, no hurt, no ache from failure. It doesn't mean there's no stress from hard weeks. Sometimes I wallow. Lately, it's hard to prioritize self-pity. Instead I made some changes, and make sure I'm always succeeding at "something" in the week. And I'm also making investments towards a happier home. Investing in little luxuries. For instance, Thursday I got a new shower head! Very mundane, but still... I also realized maybe I didn't do enough research on what type of shower head I bought... but turns out I'm very excited about it. It's a rain shower (though since it's not ceiling mounted I feel like that's not true). I've realized there are so many little things that I could change in a house to make life better. It has a mister, massage setting, and a detachable second shower head. That also has a massage setting! I can steam up the whole room in a minute! Just lovely. Now I'm thinking what other small improvements can I do? So here's what I've done, or at least considered doing. Got a replacement thermostat for the old built in one. Some solar panels for the mounted cameras. Getting a good set of house slippers. A massage tool for my shoulder and heels. It's an odd thing to think about, and not know an easy answer to. In the age of convenience, what makes our lives more comfortable? Not only convenient. I would never have known how much a better shower head would improve my life. Anyways, it was a week of failing to provide solutions to complex problems. Which is how I describe my job now. I used to start with, "I fix computers". And for awhile that was true. As my job complicated and my title changed, it was no longer true. It was rare for me to fix isolated problems. Instead, I've started "providing solutions to complex problems." But not this week. This week I jumped head long into succession after succession of failures. So instead of letting that dictate my mood and my life for this week. I installed a new shower head. I fixed problems around the home. Tightened down a few loose screws. Figured out a problem I was having in love2d game development. I took what was a failure for the week and made it impetus for improvement. I didn't let my depression define me. I made jokes. I made improvements. I flexed around the failure in other portions of my life. But still, there's a problem there. I am dependent on my career. If it falls, I fall. Of course, this is a dramatic statement. There's some safety net. There's unemployment. I have the 9/11 GI bill to fall back on. I have savings. I have a good network of friends. But the threat is still there. If I lose my primary income, I lose everything. It is the lifeline into my household. We all depend on it. When I fail at learning a new development language. When I fail at a recipe. Or I fail to figure out some frustrating piece of auto-repair. There's someone else I can go to. I can send my car to the shop. I can search a different recipe. I can ask a friend. I can do something. If I lose my job. That's it. I have no doubts I wouldn't be able to renegotiate my current salary somewhere else. They wouldn't believe me. Since I've been working, occasionally a company reaches out to me. They ask if I'm interested. I tell them my salary point. They scoff, and say there's no way I could earn that right now. No way they could afford it. So I apologize. And I wish them a good day. I fought for my price point. And with it I got a job that I loved. But I also became stuck. I'm niched so deep in my career that the fear of losing where I am is constant. So I flex outward. I'm spending hours trying to get a remote teaching gig. I'm considering making courses, but I'll be honest. I have no idea what I'm doing. For someone that's watched hours of how to make courses, and watched thousands of hours of online instructionals... I am unprepared to take the charge myself. Which... of course I could. Theoretically. But, no one is paying me to do it. Which means it's hours out of my family. Hours out of my life. For a venture with zero guarantee. I don't have a problem with that. Yet, I do. If it fails to pan out, that's lost time that could have been with the kids. With my wife. It's lost time, and no convincing me otherwise. So, I fail upwards. Because I have no other choice. I'm not a trust fund kid. I'm a kid who knew for a brief moment a piece of poverty. I'm a kid who knew for a brief moment the threat of divorce. I'm a kid who knew the promises of my youth were empty. I'm a kid who took them anyways. Except now, I'm not a kid. Now I'm struggling. Now I'm staring down years of promises and ideals and watching as they slough off. I'm staring at my kids and hoping that when they're ready I will be too. I'm hoping I'll be ready. I don't enjoy my job. Because I depend on it. I need it. Otherwise, I may. I'm not certain. I love cooking. I love coding. I would have chosen one or the other. Instead I chose a career. I thought as a kid that maybe, when I became an adult. I wouldn't need to. I would be able to pursue art. I would be able to pursue passion. Instead, I am hoping against hope, that my kids will be able to. That I can show them how to live with freedom of fear. I don't enjoy my job. I don't hate it either. I wish I didn't need it.